I often find beautiful gems of creation while wandering the internet and my admiration of deep mourning brought me to this one..
I was nearly plunged into a darkness similar to the one in which she sits, half of her already enveloped in the bleak, hopelessness of the future that faces her. Last Summer I nearly lost the other half of me, and in a horrible way, was so near to it that I had almost begun to prepare myself for a life without him..
I have always associated trinkets, objects and songs with times, places and most importantly, people. I saw everything I had from the past three years falling to pieces, into cracks in the earth’s floorboards, forever irretrievable. There was no piece of my life that he hadn’t touched and nothing that I’d not shared with him, and I saw myself becoming some terrible Mrs Havisham, surrounded by the ornaments of my grief.
My grandmother lost ”Grandad” when I was 15, and for a long time she held onto the things that reminded her of him, then slowly she let them drift like dead leaves into the hands of others..
I suppose I’m thinking this way because I feel so very little at the moment, and all at once so much. It’s like there’s a precipice of life that I have somehow avoided these past few years, and now feel as though I will tumble off at any moment, to the great loss of something, and the great gain of something else. I may lose my relationship for a new life elsewhere, I may be left to pursue all that I want on my own, and maybe I will wander back to the past (Something which people often warn me against, but I so often seem to do) or lastly I might move forward as a unit, carrying fragment of my old life with me like familiar baggage.
Do you have moments like these, where you’d drop your life like it was a bag of empty boxes and wander towards something unknown, or have at certain times an irrepressible urge to run away and not come back?
I can’t be the only one with a wandering spirit, but the turmoil I’m feeling won’t go away and there seems to be no cause, but at times I want so dearly to have the chance to start again.